Monday, May 07, 2007

Where am I going?

Since the 9th or maybe 10th grade, I’ve had everything planned out. I knew what I wanted and I had planned out exactly how I’d get there every step of the way. Not that everything went as planned, but for the most part I got there and I achieved all my goals except for one.

The thing is, the plans I laid out only went as far as my last birthday. I didn’t think I would need to plan after that for a number of reasons. Most of which, is that one goal that I didn’t meet. Meet that goal would set the catalyst for planning the next portion of the plans.

Now here I sit. After spending the weekend either working or getting blindingly drunk. Neither of which is what I want to do with my weekend, but nevertheless, is what I do nowadays. Well, that and clean. For those of you that know me, you know is this very unlike me. Strangely, cleaning has become my biggest source of relaxation nowadays. Sad I know.

Sidebar -

I was walking from a gas station on Friday. After a very rough week and spending all day with my worst client, I was not in a good place. Walking from the gas station, a seemingly homeless dude came up and asked me ‘dude, you doing al’right?’.

How bad must I’ve looked in my suit for a homeless dude to ask if I was ok? It was funny but at the same time a bit concerning. I must've been looking as bad as I've been feeling lately.

I’m in a place now where for the first time, I don’t know what I’m aiming for. I don’t have a goal anymore. This is a strange and scary place for me. The one goal that I’ve wanted to complete, the one goal that’s always been so important to me and that which all my other goals are driven by, I don’t have much faith that I can achieve it anymore.

For the first time in my life, I don’t have a desire to even try to achieve this first and seemingly such important of a goal. I simply just don’t care about it anymore and have lost the will to fight for it.

Now with that goal being on hold, and having achieving most of the bigger goals, I’m a bit at a loss.

What am I to do now? Where am I going now?

I hope I figure it out soon.

I'm not liking the person i'm becoming.


Jamie said...

You can't place a time limit on this goal, if it's what I'm thinking it is. And you can't just blanket FIGHT for it, until you find the right person to FIGHT for.

GIving up IS probably a good thing, and the sadness is a good thing, your mourning the loss of an impossible goal: perfection in love. Just feel it, and let it go, eventually. Maybe THEN you can go forward without so many damn expectations! That would be the best thing that could happen for ya, and you know it.

Pup said...

I don't think I'm giving up... probably just putting it hold for a while. It's been like the top thing on my list for so long. It's time it took a back seat.

Although I don't know what's going to take that top spot now. Hence the issue.