The 10 DO NOTs as Commanded by Pup

Do NOT leave that stupid ass wireless headset on. People with cell headsets permanently attached – What the fuck is wrong with you? If you’re not using it, take the damn thing off. You DO NOT look cool or important with that thing glued to your ear. You look like a tool.

Do NOT use the phone while you’re in a public toilet. It’s ok to say I’ll call you back. Seriously, it is. If I ever hear someone say something sweet or cutesy to whoever you’re on the phone with while they’ve got their pants around their ankle in an airport bathroom, I will piss on your shoes.

Do NOT make everything friendly to the family with 2 kids. It seems that everything I’ve seen or read lately has been geared exclusively to the family with kids structure. Everything from buying a house (good school districts, making sure you have plenty of bedrooms, etc.), to cars, to restaurants (stop it with all this bar and grill bullshit), to entertainment. I cannot tell you how fucking annoying that is.

Do NOT take your kid to a bar. I don’t care if you’re there during the day or if they’re just sitting there with their PSP that they shouldn’t even have. It’s still a bar. Chucky cheese is just right down the street. Move on.

Do NOT take your child to a scary movie if you KNOW it will scare them just so you can see it. Don’t give me this ‘they won’t understand’ or it’s only PG-13 bullshit. Get a fucking baby sitter. If you can’t afford one, make a fucking friend and leave it with them for a while. Better yet, just sit home and enjoy your “wonderful blessing” that you seem to think everyone should have and stop complaining.

Do NOT argue with me about how many miles per gallon Lucy actually gets. Yes, instead of the 60 mpg on the sticker, I’m only getting 45 miles to the gallon (with almost no emissions). That does NOT help your argument that driving that ugly monstrous piece of shit 9 mpg SUV is ok or in any way cool.

Do NOT keep using the word love with indiscretion. That fucking annoys me to no end. Save that for something actually special. Using it as much as people do makes the word cheaper than a 3 dollar whore.

Do NOT be so lazy and self-centered that you think everything is ok with the world just because things are good with you. Things are FUCKED up. Worry about something more than what’s going to happen next on Desperate Housewives.

Do NOT think the arm rest between us on a flight is yours. The arm rest is neutral territory. If you encroach, I will be forced to defend my territory and rip your fucking arms off.

Do NOT think you’re more flexible and liberal than you actually are. Sure it’s nice and PC to say shit like, I listen to all kinds of music or I like all kinds of food or I get along with most people. The fact is most people aren’t like that, people have preferences. Be confident enough to say what you actually like instead of what you think the other person wants to hear. No one will think what you say is the ONLY thing you like. Even worst, don’t say this in front of someone who knows you.

Bonus:

Do NOT think that the record profits from the oil companies are just a coincidence.

Do NOT be a fucking dumb ass parent who thinks you're protecting your children when in fact you're just sheltering them from knowledge and culture and making them just as ignorant as you. Good example.

Do NOT assume that people in the current government are acting in your best interest even if they make it sound that way.