Saturday, December 10, 2005


Sure they tell you about the dangers of drinking. Sure they tell you certain things not to do while you're drinking like drive, operate heavy machinery, pilot a plane, and perform open heart surgery.

All are good advices, but if this government really wants to keep us safe, they should give us a complete list of ALL the things not to do after one have been drinking. Let me just give the folks at... I don't know who the hell would be in charge of this most important of jobs, let's say for now the department of homeland security. They are the brilliant minds that gave us the use duct tape for any emergency campaign.

Ok, folks at homeland security, here's one to start you off with. Remember, if you don't tell us exactly what to do in all situations, the terrorists win.

TUI - Texting under the influence. You're at the bar, it's too noisy to call or talk to anyone on the phone, so naturally we turn to our text messaging capabilities. This all so useful feature is generally a useful and fun tool, but as I will describe, it can be an instrument of the devil.

Oh sure it's all fun and games while you’re there, but like a 3 dollar hooker, you're satisfied in your drunken moment, but you're left the next morning wondering what the fuck were you thinking when you text things like 'I'm Rick James... Bitch' to almost everyone you know, or steal your roomate’s cell phone to text 'Are you thinking about sex right now' to a girl he just met and thinking about dating.

Oh, it was funny then. Boy was it hilarious. I think a guy at the bar bought me a shot to get me to do it. (Umm.. I mean someone could have. These are all fictional examples) Now the next morning you're thinking wow, I'm such an asshole. Holy shit I'm an asshole. And you would be correct in thinking that.

Yes, the dangers are limitless. Another hidden danger comes from all the stored text messages in your phone. You know no one actually erases any of their text messages. Seriously, look. I bet you have hundred of text messages in your phone right now! Anyway, these old forgotten text messages will bit you in the ass. At the most awkward time, you will read them and think to yourself "fuck, this bar is not where I want to be".

So Congress, get off your ass and call an emergency hearing. The holidays are an especially dangerous time for TUI. Just as legislation has help to protect us from DUI, TUI must be next! Don’t let the terrorists win.

Just think what they’d do when the terrorists figure this out. Beheadings would be a thing of the past. Hostages would be taken, then their cell phones would be used to text things like “Allah rules!” and “Death to all Infidels!!” to everyone in your address book. Is this what you want your mom or grandmother to be getting at 3am?! The horror!!

W, this is a call out to you and administration. I know you’re behind me 100% on this. I’m sure you’ve spent a good many nights at the bar and texting all kinds of things you’d later regret. I’m sure things like the tax cut for rich people was a funny drunken text message that accidentally became a reality.

Also, Jesus would want you to get rid of TUI.

Rummy, I know you feel me too. I think it was an accident, but I got the text that you used to begin the Iraq war. I think it went something like this

“Let’s go kill’em! Go time! I’m Rick James…… Bitch.”

TUI strikes once again. Then thousands of 500 pound bombs struck Iraq.

People, it’s not all up to the government. I expect you to do your part as well. We need a grass root campaign to help fight this problem that’s ruining our society. Here’s a nice little slogan. Repeat after me.

Leave your phones at home!
Leave your phones at home!
Leave your phones at home!

Kinda catchy isn’t it? Now imagine doing the conga to it

Leave your phones at home! (Hips to the right)
Leave your phones at home! (Hips to the left)
Leave your phones at home! (Hips to the right)

Scream it loud, scream it proud!

Don’t worry America, in the few areas where the government or church isn’t telling you exactly what to do. The Pup is here to fill in that hole. Americans shouldn’t have to think. Cause we live in the greatest nation in the world. A place where even the thinking is done for you to give us more time to consume.

Be safe this holiday season, and remember... Homeland security and Pup is watching over you. Certainly not just when you're in the shower.

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