Friday, April 01, 2005

I just got off the phone with the cops.

They called me here at work.

"Afternoon, Mr. T?"
"This is officer Dick McHead. We have a warrant out for your arrest! Wal-Mart
Inc., has accused you of shoplifting.... On the date of November 16th 2004…. Using closed circuit surveillance monitoring equipment…. On the date of January 21st, 2005…theft by concealing item(s) under clothes…. On the date of...walked in...walked out...sensor did not sound...but...merchandise on your person...surveillance show bulging of pockets. March 11th...Found empty wrappers...last's restroom. You're seen entering and exiting restroom alone. You make several more trips to the restroom. Janitor reports a pile of wrappers accumulating on tiles. This is the report filed by Wal-Mart. You may wish to contest these claims. This document will be submitted as evidence supporting Wal-Mart's claim incriminating you in a state of Georgia court of law. It's best if you confess to these recurrent shoplifting events and turn yourself in."

That's when I shit a brick.

Then he starts reading all this stuff about me to me:

"Please confirm that the following information is correct. Last name T, first name Mr. Your alias is the T. You are male and you’re over twenty. You have hair. You're not that tall. You're black but medium white. You live downtown. Your tag number is.... Your SSN is.... DOB...."

I freak.

Now I have to deal with this shit, which may mean I'll spend time behind bars. Fuck. Now I have to tell my boss I'll be on vacation for like 80 to 100 days with good behavior. McDickhead is still going on...

"You live alone. You're a social drinker. Medium build. And you wear glasses."

In the background I hear someone say, "Find out how big his pecker is, Leroy!"

Fucking pigs.
How humiliating.
I'm dead.

I wonder if I can just return all this shit.
Hell no!!!
I don't really remember what I took.
Wait, there was that Pet Shop Boys cd.
I found a cure cd, for which I felt the cd mine for the taking.
(gotta complete my collection, yo!)
Some Dragon Ball Z dvd's.
Pencils. Pens. Markers.
Cheese. Salsa. Tuna fish. Peanut butter and pickles (what was I thinking?)
And all those Magic cards.
Fuck it. I'll just pay the fine and do the time.
I still come out ahead.
I can sell a few Magic cards to post bail.
They can't stop the T!!!

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