Bonnie, The Beauty of being Numb and Joni Mitchell

There are at least 5 ingredients in corn flakes that are also found in dog food. Correlate that with the fluids used in automobiles. Disturbing? Yes! During coffee and cereal this morning this thought entered my mind. I then ran to vomit. The day didn't start well. Its not much better now.

At lunch I listen to Donna Summer in the car. She assures me, "Our love, will last forever!" Her glittering voice is enough to make a believer out of me. The disco stomp of the chorus finds me dancing at 65 mph. I return to my office. Whatever words I say, however long I stay, whatever dreams may break "I will ALWAYS love you" croons Robert Smith. Is it selfish to ask for the same devotion in return? Why else would he beg like a animal? I listen to these and other enchanting melodies day in and day out. I turn off the radio hours later and I'm confounded by all the music I heard. Seems everyone believes in this love thing. Heck, even I believe in it. I love the music! The artist sings of experiences I may never share with anyone. But the music is as eternal as the love it speaks to.

"Our love..." Whose love? "I will always love..." who? So I go to the web and read articles and interviews of my favorite artists, singers, songwriters, etc. I find things like, "This song takes me back to high school. I was dating Nancy. It seemed endless..." or some other such quote. This is enough for me. I make the connection between the lyrics and the experience conveyed by the artist. After I learn the inspiration or meaning behind a song I become nerdy. "You know, this song is about...." I'm grateful the song is loosely connected to some real event.

I have over 200 CD's in my collection. Most of these have vocal tracks. About a third don't. Now a days, I prefer no vocals. I drive myself insane trying to learn the meaning of an Aphex Twin track. I literally go ape shit with the CD player (repeat disk, programmed tracks, etc.) deciphering songs with titles like, Lentic Catachresis, Otoño, and Dot. I am swept away by the emptiness and void conveyed by this music. I become unfeeling, cold and paranoid. Then I listen to Depeche Mode, for the vocals...a change of pace. Its still grey, raining steadily. A nice change of pace.

But WHO will always love me? Still no answer. "Well, love just happens. Its a force of nature. Wait for it." I've been waiting. Eventually you wait long enough that you accept defeat. It won't happen, because it hasn't happened. "Dumbass, love doesn't just happen along," Pup says. But I've given up the will to make it happen. I've become numb. Ice cold and hard. Stoned. Sometimes I experience a numbness on my left side. Just a sprinkle of pixie dust to numb the pain. I don't know why this happens. I assume everyone experiences the same sensation from time to time. The magic dissolves after I pinch myself. I hold out as long as I can. then, pinch. Its inhuman to not have feelings...unless you're dying. Perhaps...... Cue white noise from right channel...analogue pops all other channels. Turn it up!!!