The fashion police and the urge to fashion-park...


"Parking on yellow curbs on campus is prohibited and can result in a
ticket. Campus Police is not obligated to write warning tickets.
Everyone is urged to park in a proper fashion to avoid difficulties."

Such are the messages we receive from campus po-po. This one just tickled me to death. Let me explain. The Chief of Police on campus is a 4'5'' squeaker. His utility belt literally falls off his ass, and he's not even trying to bust a droop. His physique is irregularly proportioned; he shares the same waist size as most middle school boys, his torso has tone and depth but his chrome-dome...caricature sized! When he talks, I'm sure only squirrels comprehend him. You can't help but feel sorry for him.

So what would a guy like this need to make up for his imperfections? A crew of muscle men to enforce the LAW! I swear, every campus officer has either served in the military, did time in the slammer or both. We call one guy ROBOCOP. ROBOCOP will write you a ticket if you slam your car door. "YOU!!! You have disturbed the peace! You will be summoned by the judicial board!" He has hyper senses, too. He could be on a distant patrol route, but he knows when you've ran a stop sign no matter where you are. He's never at ease, not until justice is served. When ROBOCOP walks he clicks his heels together. He speaks in monotone and his words are regimented and stale. He is very proud. And his utility belt...man, he puts Batman to shame. He has 5 different mace canisters, tear gas, smoke bombs, cross-bow, billy-club, night vision goggles, cuffs, steel cable, poison darts, morphine (for those life and death emergencies we have on campus all the time), standard issue .9mm with spare clips......DO NOT CROSS THIS MAN'S PATH, EVER!!! This fool is about to snap!

Well this is the campus police, and yeah, I'll probably go to jail for this posting. Before I'm locked away I'll make sure I'm not "yellow-parked!"