A Question of Need

Blogging is great. I can be creative by wasting time at work. I really need to get a home computer. But who are you people? Sex fiends, manic-depressors, political activist, party animals, liars, shallow, far away, lonely, abysmal...people. You're people. That bothers me.

For as long as I remember I have harbored a great dislike for people. Shade forms and dark illusions would haunt me in my youth: I won't love you, I won't trust you, I need nothing of you.... The shadows whispered softly, and I accepted their words and allowed these thoughts to guide my actions and attitudes when dealing with people. But these echoes spoke more of fear than truth. I wouldn't learn that until much later.

And sometimes I'm not too sure I've completed the lesson. I have trouble accepting people into my life. Socializing is not easy for me. I stand aloof at parties, and I become bashful when in the presence of strangers. EVERYONE IS A STRANGER!!! I once thought this attitude was "cool," because at least I'm acknowledged as the quiet one in the corner with private thoughts and private fantasies, and private desires to kill and be killed. But this coolness would not do. I want to be introduced as Mr Show Off, for once. I don't think the same as you, here's what I believe. But if I never say anything you'll never know my agony. This was college.

My friends have forced themselves unto me; I never seek out friends, except in extremely rare cases. I guess those people who try the hardest to befriend me are worth the while. Its selfish I know, yet I believe no one should have to put up with my stubbornness. So I yield. I try not to be so hard, and I'm trying to be friendlier. The people closest to me have known me for many years; these are few in number. I still shy away a little even among friends, and I mumble when it feels good to hide, and I try too hard just to say the right words, to make myself understood. But that me, and eventually this won't be such a difficulty. I'm still uneasy in public, and I don't trust YOU!! (hehe)

So why am I here, on this blog page posting something about me when I really don't care who responds? When I should be doing work? Answering the phone (hold on--). This is people interaction, right? So what gives? I'm like you. I need to feel like I belong. I need to be accepted or rejected. I'm here for you and you're here for me. No one can do without people. And anyway this is fun. I am heard. Though I think it odd, that you're only as real as the words you post...for me, its easier this way :)